The Missing Ingredient in Managing Conflict
Conflict is all around us. With every passing day, conversations around divisive topics seem to be more toxic and less productive. The latest, tragic school shooting has brought the issue of gun control, gun rights, and gun safety into the forefront. But it’s not just this issue that brings out conflict and ultimately the worst in people. Pick any topic and you’ll see corrosive discourse happening daily. And it’s not just in the anonymous annals of social media. People seem more and more comfortable ripping “the other side” out in the open in the analog world.
But it’s not just politics. Conflict exists in any arena. There is conflict among colleagues. Conflict with your customers and clients. There are issues between neighbors. Drama among school-age parents. Conflict is part of our human experience.
When people engage in conflict, especially when it’s around a divisive topic, people tend to resort to lobbing personal attacks, casting wide-ranging judgements, and taking a stance of “us against them.” People falsely assume that there is no common ground and that it’s a binary choice. While this might be true in rare instances (increasingly so perhaps?) when two people have views that are polar opposites and have zero interest in even listening to another perspective or position.
A Better Way to Manage Conflict: Find Common Ground
But there could be a better way. What if we could take a temporary pause from judging and attacking the other person. What if we looked for some common ground? What if we each asked ourselves, “What’s one thing that we DO agree upon?” or “What’s one aspect of this issue where we DO share common ground?” Many people might assume that’s impossible, but that’s only if you look at each issue on the surface. Dig deeper and you’ll likely to find an area of mutual agreement.
Take the issue of guns that resurfaced again this month after multiple, tragic, mass shootings. Rather than immediately shift into the traditional camps of the second amendment versus gun control, what if we took a step back and looked for common ground. I think (I hope at least) that we all can agree that we love our kids and families. I also think that as Americans that we value our independence. What if we started there instead of our normal positions that are seemingly miles apart? Are you still with me? Or have you jumped to your entrenched position? My point here isn’t to be political or say one opinion is better than others. My point is only that we can agree on something beneath the surface, something that’s more fundamental than the issue at hand.
What if we started there instead of jumping right into our regular routines of attacking the other side? Maybe my optimism has gotten the best of me, but I do think that we could do better and be better. Would this allow us to come to better solutions to the incredibly complex issues of the day? Maybe. But we surely could improve “how” we engage with one another. Taking this extra step offers a number of tangible benefits:
Finding common ground will allow each party to see the other side as a fellow human
It will create a sense of respect
It will start to build a bridge toward a possible resolution
It will reduce the carnage and brain damage that occurs along the way
The Bottom Line
The next time you confront someone with an opinion that seems 100% the opposite of yours, just pause. Then, ask yourself and the other person if there is something foundational that you agree on. And then start from there. You may not be able to resolve some of the thorniest issues of the day, but I do believe the “how” and the process of working through it will result in less damage along the way.
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