Decency in Debate: How to Discuss Contentious Topics with Civility

How to Bring Decency Back to Debates

I might sound idealistic, but can we get back to decency in how we discuss and debate contentious topics?

I flipped on the 2024 presidential debate last night on the way to pick up my son from baseball. I found myself immediately anxious. I was anxious as I waited for the next demeaning comment and attack.

It could be my conflict avoidance showing up, but it was something more. I was appalled at the way both candidates spoke to each other. 

I’m not taking sides. Let’s put that aside for a moment, and observe what we saw. Jabs and personal attacks aimed at undermining the other persons’ position, highlighting hypocrisy, exposing falsehoods, and making the other person appear befuddled and incompetent.

It would be easy to shrug it off as “politics in 2024” or the nature of this year’s election, but it goes deeper than that. The debate is a microcosm of how we discuss difficult topics in 2024.

I see it everywhere.

📱💬 How people communicate on social media

🎤⚽ How sports coaches and reporters engage with each other

🏡🏡 How neighbors speak to each other

👧🏫 Even how kids talk to each other, despite the focus on “empathy” at school

Decency in dialogue has been fading for a while.

What if we put our foot down and said, “No more.” What if we made a commitment to decency in dialogue? See, I told you I’m an idealist. But I believe there’s a better way to engage with each other.

Imagine what would happen if we:

✨ Assumed positive intent and not just the worst about others

🇨🇭 Used neutral language in place of inflammatory words

🤔 Showed up with curiosity and a readiness to hear other points of view

📚 Engaged with humility and a readiness to learn about others

👂 Actually listened to what the other person is saying rather than preparing our next attack

⏳ Held off judgment, even for just a moment

🏆🏆 Looked for win-win solutions and not only win-lose positions

🔬 Sought greater understanding in place of immediate undermining

The ability to communicate and debate is critical to our success as leaders. I’m not suggesting we let go of trying to win. What I am suggesting is a subtle, but impactful shift to how we engage with each other—even in contentious situations. 

Let’s get back to decency in dialogue to see what’s possible. Decency in dialogue leads to greater collaboration, less energy expended to unproductive ends, and ultimately better relationships.

Ready to give it a try? I know I am.